Thank you for submitting ------ to us. All of us at On Spec like hard SF and we don't get a lot of it. (That said, we also love fantasy, but we do get more of that.) You've handled the action and setting in your story really well, showing me what the protocol would be if such a disaster were to occur. I want to talk about what I think your story still needs.
Your protagonist displays all the right physical reactions in dealing with an emergency - he attempts communication with the crew, etc. However, even though he does everything he possibly could, he doesn't react strongly enough. You've told me things to indicate what he is feeling like, "he desperately hoped the computer was malfunctioning..." (hope) or "he closed his eyes," (grief), or "an overwhelming sense of deja-vu gripped him," (confusion/fear/inevitability). In all of these examples, you've told me about your protagonist's emotions through exposition or body language, but you haven't told me enough. You're keeping the reader at an emotional distance.
I want to feel what your protagonist is feeling. Body language is a good start, but if you were to add the visceral reactions of grief, fear, hopelessness, etc., your writing would be much more vivid and engaging. Describe for me, the physical reactions of fear. Tear me apart with grief (the aching chest, the inability to breathe, the closing throat, the sense of panic that comes from losing control, that kind of thing). Readers live vicariously through a character's experience—within the safety of their armchairs. Give them a strong experience, something more they can relate to.
I also want to say something about the choices you've made about what emotions you present and how. Ironically, this has to do with logic. If your protagonist is the only survivor remaining after the ship has been destroyed, I think he would grieve his lost crew more than he does, or grieve his impending death, instead of focusing on the beauty of the planet as he hangs in space. Perhaps you meant to indicate he's in a state of shock, or this is his way of having faith—believing in something bigger than himself—but if so, again, that isn't as gripping a story. Readers are held by a strong emotional experience which generates reader sympathy. This reader sympathy can then can be directed to the other aspects of your story which I think you find important, ie., themes touching upon death, alternate lives, and the life hereafter.
- Susan.
